Four Needs of Your Teenager
When I was a child, all I thought I needed were my parents. They filled my bottomless appetite with tasty and nutritious food. They created a comfortable home for me (where most nights I’d dump myself on their bed). And, they bought me the latest toys and books (sure, my mini-tantrums may have played a role in that). Ultimately, I was a happy and content child.
However, in a few years, some things changed. I changed. But, to my parents, I was still their baby who always needed them. What they didn’t realize is that as I grew older, my needs changed. Yes, my needs changed just like my perceptions of myself, my family, and the world.
And the disconnect between my adolescent self and my parents happened because we weren’t able to understand each other’s needs.
What are ‘needs’?
‘Needs’ are forces from within us that make us behave in certain ways. They give us something to work towards and lead to the shaping of goals and objectives in our life. When these needs are met, we experience the feeling of satisfaction. When these needs aren’t met, we experience stress that leads to mental and physical shortcomings. If you’ve ever flipped through a Psychology book, you must have come across Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It is a popular theory that talks about the universal needs of all human beings.
However, in a few years, some things changed. I changed. But, to my parents, I was still their baby who always needed them. What they didn’t realize is that as I grew older, my needs changed. Yes, my needs changed just like my perceptions of myself, my family, and the world.
Madhuri
Image from https://www.mdpi.com/2414-4088/4/3/38/htm
This model works well for adults. But, adults and adolescents have different patterns of growth and striving. Maslow’s needs may not be able to capture the complexities of a growing child’s psychological needs.
4 Psychological Needs of Your Teenager
According to research, an adolescent has four main psychological needs:
The Need for Control (‘The My Way or the High Way’ phase)
To a teenager, the world is often an unpredictable place. They want to control everything that is happening to them. Parents must learn to strike the balance between being protective and permissive. Even though it is difficult, hand over the baton of responsibility to your children. Let them figure out the world on their own terms. From tying their own shoelaces to choosing their own career—let them design their own future.
The Need to Protect Self-Esteem (‘The Tell Me I’m Doing Good’ phase)
Even the most rebellious teenagers would love to be successful and hear positive things about themselves from their parents and peers. Growing up in households where they are constantly criticized, underappreciated, and shamed for doing what they like or being themselves is the same as taking a hammer on their self-esteem. In order to protect themselves from being hurt in the future, they either isolate themselves or act out. They grow up thinking, ‘If the people I love don’t value me, why should I value myself?’ And, isolation and low self-esteem can lead to risky and dangerous behavior like substance abuse, self-harm, etc.
The Need to Gain Pleasure and Avoid Pain (‘The What Will I Get’ phase)
A young child always does what gives them the most pleasure. As they grow older, they learn to delay this need because they know that if they wait for a little, they may get something better. If they pick up this practice of deferment as they grow up, it can lead to many successful outcomes in their life. Next time your teen wants to spend all her pocket money on a video game, ask her ‘Maybe if you save up some more, you would have money to spend more on your game and get yourself something nice, don’t you think?’ But of course, let them make the final call.
The Need for Security (‘The Can I Trust You?’ phase)
The best thing you can give your child—or any child—is a secure relationship. You are available to meet their emotional needs by creating a collaborative atmosphere where rules and limitations are formed as a result of a 2-way discussion. They are encouraged to express themselves without fearing the consequences. This helps them develop a positive and rational view of life, build confidence and develop resilience. It’s all in the words a parent chooses to employ:
Instead of ‘You must do this’, go for ‘Let’s try this out.’
Instead of ‘Stop crying’, go for ‘You can always talk to me about it.’
In your next few interactions with your teen, consciously recognize how and where you are restricting their psychological needs. Let them facilitate this process by guiding you in terms of what their needs are and what they need from you to fulfill them. All you have to do is be receptive and patient with them.
Happy Parenting!
