A 12th grader recently opened up about how he craves for attention from other people. He was tired of pretending in front of people, telling lies to impress them. He wanted to deal with it. When we probed where that attitude is coming from, we found that his mother was not at all available to his emotional needs when he was young. He would do all kinds of stuff to attract her attention. That, eventually developed a sense in him that to make others listen to him, or to hang out with him he would need to pull some stunt.
So, in short kids develop different kinds of attachments with their parents depending on their response. These are called attachment styles. Attachment styles primarily affect the relationship of the child with the parents. In addition, it also play role in shaping them as a person and what kind of relationship they would develop with others in the future.
Popularly, attachment styles are used for young children or babies rather than to talk about teenagers. However, during the adolescent years, the human brain goes through some significant changes. These changes shape our world-view, support seeking behaviour, perceptions about self and others, identities, dreams as well as how we relate to the important people in our lives. It can lead to healthy lifestyles as well as some really unhealthy choices.
Understanding the attachment style can be one of the many ways to identify the patterns and can help in highlighting the difference between healthy teen relationships and a teenager who might be feeling disconnected, struggling or feeling a bit lost.
Firstly, what does “attachment style” even mean?
An attachment style is patterns of behaviour in and around relationships. According to attachment theory, which was developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and built on by psychiatrist John Bowlby in late 1950s, an individual’s attachment style is shaped in early childhood years in response to their relationships with their earliest caregivers.
According to psychiatrist, Bowlby, an individual’s relationship with their parents during their childhood years has a significant influence on their social, close relationships and even relationships they form and build at work in the future.
“Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another person across time and space.” (Psychologist, Ainsworth)
What are the different types of Attachment Styles?
1. Secure attachment
An individual with a secure attachment style is able to trust others and be trusted, love and accept love, and become close to others without much internal resistance. These individuals are not fearful of close relationships. They do not worry when their parents are away from them during childhood. Around 56% of adults have a secure attachment type, according to research conducted by social psychologists Hazan and Shaver in the 1980s.
This is the ideal attachment style—one in which the person feels comfortable and confident in the relationships they have as well as their ability to make meaningful relationships with other people in their lives.
A securely attached teenager feels comfortable shifting towards their independence, fostering relationships with purpose, and creating their personal identity along with being secure of their place in their family.
Those children who develop this style during their childhood are presumably able to carry this healthy way of bonding even in their adulthood and have little issues with building long-term relationships
without the fear of being abandoned by their loved ones.
2. Anxious attachment
It is a kind of attachment style where there is a fear of being abandoned by their caregivers. Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to be extremely insecure about their relationships. They are found worrying that their parents will leave them behind and are mostly seeking validation.
Anxious attachment style has the crux of it right in its name. Teenagers who have developed an anxious attachment style during their childhood may struggle more when taken away from the usual patterns of how their parents manage their emotions, and these teenagers can find it hard to form new relationships. They may fear being rejected, they are also likely to feel anger more often. They may seek validation for their parents, teachers etc regularly.
Managing their anxiety around these themes may feel very difficult for parents and the teenager. It is essential to address this with gentle words and care.
3. Avoidant attachment
It is another style of attachment where the central theme is the fear of being close or intimate. Individuals with this style tend to have marked difficulty getting close to others or being able to trust people in
relationships. It is because they tend to believe that their needs will not be met in a relationship.
In relationships, these individuals tend to be a little emotionally unavailable. They may prefer to be left alone and they tend to only depend on themselves for any of their needs. About 25% of adults have the avoidant attachment type, according to Hazan and Shaver.
It is also known by other names such as ambivalent or dismissive attachment. Teenagers who may have this style may seem emotionally not present or disconnected from all the emotional aspects of their social circle. Avoidantly, attached teenagers can seem a little uninterested in forming any relationships, and to an extent quite unwilling to build relationships.
4. Fearful-avoidant / Disorganised attachment
Disorganised attachment is a mix of the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment both crave love, loseness and at the same time, are likely to build any relationships to achieve the same. They tend to be reluctant to build any relationship, yet they tend to have a need to feel loved by others.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is also called disorganised style because the behaviours shown by these individuals can seem inconsistent and can swing between being avoidant and being fearful or anxious or even secure for that matter.
Disorganised attachment style is marked by an inconsistent way of being by the teenager. Teenagers having this attachment style may be quite impulsive and may be aggressive and violent in their emotional
relationship with those around them, even friends.
Does this mean that attachment styles for teenagers are permanent?
It can be quite scary to think that certain events that happened to you before you can even remember your existence is something that is shaping your way of life, isn’t it?
Here is the good news: attachment goes beyond the way it presents. These categories are just labels which help one understand their reactions, behaviours and roadblocks in forming better relationships with people around us. No matter your attachment style or how you think you might be shaping your child’s attachment style, there is always some level of control to shape the future from the moment one is able to identify the behaviours one would like to change. Identifying and knowing the attachment styles can help one successfully take hold of some power in your relationships with your teens.
Should I be focusing on attachment styles for myself and my teenager?
Attachment style may predict how a teenager learns to form close, intimate relationships. Whether that is with friends, parents, or even their work or hobbies, the attachment style may help in figuring out how to
achieve in a way that is fulfilling and healthy. Understanding attachment styles for teenagers and even parents, and the impact of identifying and working with that information, is the difference between developing healthy relationships and feeling frustrated.
The goal of healthy attachment is trusting yourself and the people you love. It doesn’t require that you know you’re okay or that you never struggle. It is actually the opposite. When you do not know you are okay, healthy attachment means you know where to turn and how to ask for the support you need to feel okay. Isn’t that the first step to living a healthier, happier & meaningful life?
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